Sometimes the most effective way to work together is to work apart. In some cases, two like-minded professionals working separately to honour their own personal boundaries, will achieve more than they ever could in forced collaboration.
This decision doesn’t have to mean competing against one another, we need to recognise that in certain cases the best way to serve a shared mission is to pursue it via two separate paths.
Table of Contents
The Mirror Effect: Understanding Human Dynamics
Introduction
Have you ever found yourself in a peculiar professional situation where you and another practitioner share almost identical values, methods and approaches - yet something just isn't clicking?
Perhaps you are professionals in the holistic pet industry, passionate about the ethical treatment of animals but a clash in personalities has caused unresolved and underlying tension that simply cannot be ignored.
Most of you will have heard the old saying, "birds of a feather, flock together", right? But what I find so incredibly frustrating about this phrase is just how incredibly unrealistic it is!
The truth is that ethics and shared goals aside, we are all very individual beings, we are all influenced by our own very unique stories therefore our professional goals/aspirations are only a fraction of who we are.
Isn’t it silly to simply assume that just because two people share some significant things in common, that means their relationship should naturally thrive, without any conflict and/or issues?
Think about this for just a moment…
The Mirror Effect: Understanding Human Dynamics
I would like you to spend a few moments looking at yourself in the mirror.
Let’s say the person staring back at you is a person who practices just the same as you do - at face value they are just like you. They use the same methods, the same approach, the same resources, even the same words when they talk.
But just because they do ALL of that, doesn't make them YOU.
And sometimes when we take a person at face value, we can place unrealistic expectations on them to behave, act and do things the exact same way. We force upon them our own self-imposing standards.
Eventually, this unreachable pressure builds up and we begin to experience conflict that not only takes our attention away from what truly mattes, but also leaves us vulnerable to less productive feelings.
We start to experience:
Competitive tension
Feelings of being threatened
Uncertainty about our unique value
Concerns about market saturation
I've saw relationships that spoil and go rotten because:
One looks up to the other so much that they end up losing their own identity and ability to think for themselves.
One or both people are constantly seeking the other's validation and approval and feel betrayed when they don't get it.
The less "popular" one begins to compare their accomplishments with the other allowing it to take over rational thinking.
Expectations and what one had envisioned ends up going an entirely different direction.
The Root of the Challenge: Understanding Human Conflict
Here's what makes this situation particularly complicated:
When two professionals clash despite sharing methods and values, the conflict often stems from personal rather than professional differences.
It's not really about whose technique is better, whose approach is more effective, or whose experience and knowledge is more advanced - it's actually about human dynamics, personal insecurities/vulnerabilities, and professional boundaries (or lack there of).
Let's break down the dynamics mentioned earlier, further:
The 'Competition' Paradox - when one or both professional’s feel more threatened because of the things in common, than what they probably would if they operated in entirely different ways. The mentality? It's more difficult to differentiate yourself from the crowd, when another person is speaking the same language as you.
It is more difficult for the person who is not as well known, who feels they are constantly trying to prove themselves and their values to the wider community.
The Mentorship Maze - it's common to look up to someone in our sector who inspires us to do similarly, however when does this admiration turn into dependency? When does healthy mentorship cross into unhealthy obsession?
It can be quite easy to fall into destructive patterns when we allow our fears of failure take over and influence how we behave and/or communicate with those we look up to.
The Identity Challenge - when we love how a person does something, it can be challenging finding our own authentic way of doing the same thing.
When you fall into the habit of constantly checking-in with what another in doing, it can be difficult to navigate the same path with originality. Sometimes distance allows ideas to be born giving each professional the breathing space to allow their own creativity to flow.
Moving Forward: Learning To Prosper In Parallel Universes
But here’s the thing, just because two people with a shared mission don't mesh well together, doesn't mean to say that there's no place for both of them to work for the same cause!
Two people can exist and continue doing what they love in parallel universes far enough away from the negative energy of clashed personalities. At the end of the day, there is always more than one way to reach the same destination.
Here's some tips that I've learned through my own personal experience with this situation so far:
For Those Feeling Insecure, Silenced and/or Suppressed:
Remember: your journey and experience is unique to you and should not be compared to another's.
Focus on your specific strengths within the shared approach — we all have very specific skills and perspectives based on our personal and professional experiences.
Respect that mutual respect and professional distance can still be productive - just because a direct business relationship isn’t on the cards for you and the other person, doesn’t mean you are competitors, in working towards the same mission you are still allies.
Develop your unique specialisation and simply enjoy the journey!
Reflect on whether your expectations of others are realistic and adjust them accordingly - and in the majority of cases, try not to take things personally.
Don't allow personal hardships and vulnerabilities to cloud your professional judgement. A healthy business relationship relies on a degree of decorum.
Create diverse support networks that you can control rather than relying solely on another’s network — ideally you will have your own, intimate emotional support network who can help you when you are feeling particularly low.
Practice professional independence by believing in yourself more - learn to rely less on external validation and embrace self-care.
For Those Feeling Attacked or Responsible:
Define clear boundaries from day one and honour them fully — opening the door to deeper conversations can often lead to dependency in others.
Be respectful, graceful and hold back on judgement — remember that words are be cutting (like a S-WORD).
Be prepared to let it rest and let it go. Sometimes it’s best closing the book even if you’re mid-chapter — some things are better left UNSAID.
Define specific areas of collaboration and what this looks like/involves.
Consider having a series of strategic scripts prepared for incidents when they arise — knowing how to calmly and delicately manage these conflicts can help prevent an emotional response that may very well escalate the situation.
A Problem Shared Is A Problem Halved: Unity Drives Change
As I’ve said, sharing the same approach doesn't always mean sharing the same journey but there is more than enough room for all holistic practitioners to demonstrate the same philosophy.
Being less focused on trying to repair broken professional relationships and instead using our energy to drive our cause will help to diffuse festering feelings of resentment, disappointment and even, anger.
Stepping away from any and all expectations of others entirely while acknowledging that we are all experiencing life in very unique ways also helps.
And reminding ourselves that:
We are not the only person experiencing hardships
We are not the only person to have suffered trauma, and
We are not the only person with a story to share.
Side note: When I feel that I'm being influenced by my emotionally-charged, non-professional self I often try to remind myself that the bottom line is this:
It's not about me.
Conclusion
In the ever-growing field of holistic pet care, sharing methods and values is the ultimate solution to achieving a more ethical and animal-centred approach to animal care, therefore sharing the same ethos shouldn't be a source of conflict at all - it should be a welcomed opportunity for progress and growth irrespective of the context in which we get there.
By understanding the dynamics of human nature and through the implementation of healthy professional boundaries, we can create a movement of supportive and collaborative pet care professionals who truly champion one another in their own successes, while valuing each person's individual contribution to the cause both up close and personal, and afar.
Download my FREE: 'Professional Boundaries Workbook: Templates and Exercises for Like-Minded Professionals' for help with preparing for and dealing with professional conflict going forward.
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